Hi, my name is Jack Monroe and fucked up things happen to me when I get fucked up.
I'm your average college student, right when I got out of my parents' house I went crazy. I party a lot, hook up with as many girls as I can, do dumb shit, then cram like hell studying to make it to through to the next semester. I'm not saying that you should follow what I do, I'm saying what I did may not be the best idea. So these are my "a series of tips for surviving college: the capital. "
You just got done with a rough week of classes, so what do you want to do at the end of it? Go out with a couple of buddies.
My two friends Frank and Charles from back home came into town for the weekend, so we were looking for a good way to start the night. This girl I've been talking to for a little while told be about a party, so we decide to head over there. The girl was definitely trying to show me a good time. I wasn't really feeling it, I was out with my boys trying to have a good time and she wasn't really something I was trying to get into. No pun intended. Naturally, as girls do she got mad then told me to stop trying to "act tough." I'm not trying to have any drama but again, naturally girls want it cause I turn around and she's making out with Frank. What the fuck? I try to calm myself down with a couple more drinks. Then I turn around again and she's making out with Charles. That's fucked up. I'm getting pretty heated, I'm thinking about hitting something or someone. But this girl isn't worth it, I walk out to get some air. I'm walking down the stairs to the parking lot and I keep replaying this slut hooking up with my boys. I'm pretty drunk now and I start feeling like hitting something again, my face gets real hot and I can't tell if it's from the alcohol or all the anger. All this shit keeps running through my mind and I do what came natural to me. I threw my beer bottle and I watched it fly, I was feeling pretty satisfied especially since my state of mind was giving it a slow motion effect. Shit. Did that bottle just hit a windshield? I start running.
This was the start of my walk of shame. Yeah, the night goes on. I've been walking for about two hours having no idea where the fuck I'm headed and I find a local bar. I peep inside to see what 's going on and the bouncer stops me, "five dollars cover." I look at him, reaching into my pocket," Man... I don't think I got any money on me." He's closing the door on me when I see something on the ground. What the fuck? "Wait, here's five bucks!" The bouncer looks at me with a smirk, "Pretty lucky." I go inside and this place is playing hardcore music and filled with guys with tattoos who all look like they want to hit me. This guy comes up to me, "Yo, you okay man?" I guess I did look pretty rough, "Yeah, just went through some shit." "Well my band is up next, drink some of this 12 pack and stay for the show." Really? Has my luck turned around this well? The band turned out to be pretty good and I was working my way into this 12 pack until this big dude comes up to me telling me I've been drinking his beer. I couldn't tell exactly what I was saying, but it must've been the wrong words cause he started calling over some other big dudes. I start running. For the second time in the night. I start walking back home, luckily I knew the way back. I go up to my door and realize I forgot my keys and my roommates were already asleep. Fuck. I head back down and find my roommate left his car unlocked, I spent the night in his backseat. I end up waking to Frank banging on the window seven o' clock in the morning yelling, "WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO MARK'S WINDSHIELD?"
...oops.
I get back inside and my roommate Mark is freaking out about some asshole who must've gotten drunk and hit his car at the party. Shit, I'm feeling pretty guilty right about now. I let them go on for about twenty minutes about all the different scenarios that could've happened before I got the courage to spill the beans. Fortunately Mark was a good sport about it, but here's my tip.
Never break your roommate's windshield, you'll end up buying him football tickets for the rest of the season.
